(4th ) Article on Compulsions in Mental Health: (Chapter No.04):

I see somebody mentioned trust absolutely. So, much of this is the practice of trusting ourselves. So, because we do the compulsions. Each time we do a compulsion like to check for example essentially what we're telling the brain is that you can't trust this person and then the brain starts to doubt reality. Like the example, I always give with this is how I used to check the stove. So, I had to do this little ritual by the stove and check it and check it, tap it wiggle the knobs etc. Look at it make sure it wasn't hot. That it wasn't red but I already knew that and then I would have to do it again and again just to make sure. But the brain already knows. It's turned off right, I can clearly see, it's off I've already touched it. I know it's off but then by doing the compulsion again, it creates something that's very similar to body dysmorphic disorder.

We start to warp reality and so we've just said to the brain even though, I know this is off. I don't trust this person's perception and awareness and so then the brain also joins us in that doubt. So, the more we do the compulsions, the more we teach the brain not to trust ourselves and then the more the brain doubts reality. Because we now doubt reality then we end up doing the compulsions more and it just creates this negative feedback loop. So we've got part of this is the practice of starting to trust ourselves that's very difficult and of course when we cut out something like controlling and speaking of trust. This little story here at the start is very relevant to trusting ourselves in the novel the trial by Franz Kafka. There's a parable that a priest tells the main character k as a way of explaining a common delusion people possess about the law.

 The parable goes something like this a man arriving at an open door, the entrance to the law is greeted by a frightening looking guard standing beside the doorway. He decides not to risk it, he'll wait until it's the right time to enter.

Best story ever I think yeah can you for a lot of people does that story there does that sound familiar for me what resonates. So, much about that parable and you could find it as a short story too called before the law. If you just google Kafka before the law is that that's the experience of struggling with uh anxiety and mental illness right. No there's this bad thing that could happen, so I'll wait, I will wait until the right time and this bad thing is resolved and it's okay for me to step forward. We wait and it's this very practice that fuels worries about not being ourselves because we so often choose to not go through the doors that are for us. We put anxiety we put uncertainty in charge of our lives and we're like: no if i step through there something that could happen. So, I won't do it even though that's the only thing, I want to do in life. I will put my life on hold for fear of something interfering with my life. We become the thing that interferes with our lives we become the thing that gets in the way of us being ourselves. It's a very great story to think about and remember when you run into any situation like really pause and ask yourself, am I about to be like that dude, who just sat in front of a door his entire life until he died because he was waiting for the right time to step through the door because he was unsure about, what would happen right. I unsure if he could handle it, so I think a really key part of this story that, I thought is so clever of Kafka to recognize.

What the guard mentions it's kind of like, there are way scarier guards, which is true, if we start doing the things we want to do in life. There's always going to be another challenge that's more difficult than the challenge. We passed and it's about trusting ourselves trusting ourselves that, we're going to handle that doesn't mean, we have to succeed with it. It's about wanting to handle it. I want to go and explore that I want to do that because going through that door walking that path is the practice of being me. It doesn't matter if I struggle or run into some pain on that path. I'd much rather be me and take that journey of being me than just sit here afraid to be myself and then die. So, that's coping checking and controlling and what really got me onto this stuff is because, when I was struggling with my mental health, I did not realize it at first. When I first went to get help it was just for depression and some addiction stuff. I did not so all of those compulsions, I mentioned earlier. I did not bring them up at all and i did not see them as a problem.


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